Liquid Ink

The official website of Gint Aras, Finalist 2016 CWA Book Award


Are you going to hell?

Americans are confused about this question, so I’ve come up with a way to simplify it for us.

Here’s a brief quiz. Today, you can learn if you’re going to hell in only two easy steps.

Step number one: take the brief quiz.

1.) Do you know the Earth is older than 4,000 years?

2.)  Can you name a single book

3.) Are you making America great?

Correct answers:

1.) Yes

2.) Yes 

3.) Yes  

Step number two, let’s debrief.

If you answered “no” to any combination of the questions, here’s news: hell’s not on its way. It might already be here.

Let’s take a close look at the questions:

Question 1

You’re aware that it takes a tree 50 or 100 years to grow, right? You know a fetus gestates for 9 months, no matter the pregnant woman’s religion? Your body requires 6 to 8 hours to go from chewed-up Italian Beef to Chicago-style bowel movement. It takes an ice cube 20 minutes to melt on a summer day. Rome rose and collapsed over the course of centuries. It takes you fifteen minutes to fill a bathtub with water, yet you think the oceans are 4,000 years old? It takes a child 30 minutes to build a sand castle, but the Himalayan Mountains popped up instantly 4,000 years ago?

Question 2

Where did you get that story about how old the Earth is? How do you win friends and influence people, and where did you first consider the possibility that dealmaking is an art form? Unlike those who think things are black and white, book readers consider the possibility that gray might have 50 shades. That possibility extends itself, quite naturally, to believing that values might also be fluid, that evil might put on a disguise.

Question 3

So…you’re not making America great? Well, what exactly are you doing? How are you going about it? If you need the qualifier…if you need to make America great again—back, for example, to the days when the masses could neither read the Bible nor compute beyond the most basic equations—you need to reconsider. To believe we were ever great is to think we never had anything to improve. It’s to suffer from a sin of pride, which at least one famous book identifies as a grave transgression.

And what, according to the book, is that transgression’s punishment?

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Image of the Medieval illustration of Hell in the Hortus deliciarum manuscript of Herrad of Landsberg (about 1180), from Wikipedia


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Things I understand in my adult years…

This is some stuff I thought about today while cooking chicken for the kids. I have not organized these items in any pattern of note. They just work to reveal what’s invisible to a young mind…or what had been invisible to my young(er) mind…

1.) Queen sing, “To avoid complications, she never kept the same address.” Yeah. Indeed. Complications.

2.) Everything has side effects. Even health. Even death. 

3.) My favorite books take your “writers advice” and shove it up a rectum. 

4.) There is no such thing as a children’s story. 

5.) Virtually all arguments over a pop star’s message are just arguments about the fans’ feelings. 

6.) Prince invented SMS jargon. 

7.) The world’s greatest opera singer can talk to the world’s greatest opera singer only when she’s alone. That sucks. 

8.) When you’re wishing you were someone else, you’re being yourself. The alternative is impossible. 

9.) Cracklin Rosie is a store-bought wommon who makes Neil sing like a guitar hummon just so the rhyme would work. Guitars can’t hum. And you can’t sing if you’re humming. Nobody protests against this song because it was not featured during a kids’ game which is actually a homoerotic metaphor for war. 

10.) Halftime and commercials. Really? 

11.) The ceiling fan should be on the floor. Think about it. 

12.) Corruption, lies, deception, theft, exploitation, greed, waste and stupidity make it possible for me to pay my college loans and feed my children. 

13.) Most of us work making overpriced crap so that we’d have money to buy overpriced crap. 

14.) The restaurant employee will never eat at his place of employment but will take a lover to some other restaurant. That one must be different. 

15.) Your spending habits matter more than your voting habits. 

  


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A view from outside the universe

Admit it. You have always wanted to see what the universe looks like from outside it. You’re also very interested to know, in physical terms, the scale of the Earth (and yourself) relative to everything everything everything. It would put so much into perspective.

Now you can. Click here.

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Image taken from Wikipedia.


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Sulphur Dung of Lions

In this essay I will be writng about how I’m going to say the thing that was on my mind when I first started thinking about a topic that would make a good essay and engage my audiece by helping them understand what I want to express when I say that I’m going to say the thing that was on my mind.

It’s important when writing that you always make sure your reader can understand what you mean when you say that it’s important.

Everyone, even you, generally wishes to believe in something that makes sense for people, all kinds, including everyone. I firmly believe that you need to go with what is in your heart because if you ignore what you know is right you will find yourself without what you firmly believe.

In our society, only girls can get pregant.

Normally, the kind of thing I would be writing about would require explaining some of my key points but today I can focus on something that really doesn’t get to be the kind of thing discussed normally.

Maybe in the past it could be argued that your morality was in play, but these days we have standards for judging people that have nothing to do with the past. In fact, generally we believe that to be fair is essential in all facts. You might disagree; however, know that in this world you are allowed to do as you might.

What’s true is that some facts are offensive. That’s your right. Virtually anyone can think this. If they don’t want to, they can think something else.

You can prevent most pregnancies with birth control, though it’s your choice if you want to prevent most pregnancies, though not all.

Realizing that it’s important to note how the main point gets made, it’s even more important to remember that it’s important to realize.

To conclude, anybody can start something but it takes a real man like me to conclude.

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Photo of Gint Aras with his daughter, Kira.


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It has finally come to this

The FOP (fraternal order of police) called looking for donations.

I told them I’d be very willing to contribute to their important cause by donating a few shares of stock. “I own some Frumpin Frunkin stock,” I told the gentle officer, “and I’d be willing to have my broker send that stock over to the FOP in exchange for a receipt I could provide my accountant. Your address, please?”

What is Frumpin Frunkin? It’s similar to McDicks or Burger Ass. These are names I’ve come up with for places that teach us to advertise them simply by talking about them. It’s bullshit and drives me mad. Frumpin Frunkin is a famous purveyor of High Fructose Corn Syrup pastries. They claim America runs on them, thus equating their food to something like petrol—figuratively, they want us to believe we’re eating chemicals when we’re LITERALLY eating chemicals if we consume their “food”. In my neighborhood, 3-6 cops can be found in a Frumpin Frunkin at any time. It’s cliche but it barely bothers them.

I also received a phone call from someone who wondered if I’d like to share my opinion about their product. Here’s my opinion about your product: it sounds a lot like Frumpin Frunkin stock. I lied to the cops about owning that, so I’m going to lie to you about owning yours, whatever it is.

Would you wear Farm and Grammar All Natural Deoderant?

Sir, I must inform you. You smell so bad of bullshit that my mobile phone has begun to reek of summertime barns.


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The kind of essay I expect from students

In my opinion, one of the things this writer uses is words.

For example, there are other things he could use. If the writer were to use them, they’d be used right along with the words (unless he didn’t use words). The reason this would happen is because you have to use something in order for it to be used. That’s how I know he uses words. When you read them, you see them.

The writer could have used something else, but he didn’t. He chose to use words because he wanted to make a choice. If you don’t choose, you’re left with no decision. This is because you need to have an action in order to be sure you are not doing nothing.

I think the writer uses words because he wanted to write something, and the reason he wanted to write something was because he wanted to use words. There’s no way around it. Our society does not allow you to write something without writing it.

This is the problem. All actions, if they’re to exist, need to be taken or else you have nothing. Our society frowns upon nothing. Perhaps if we were more open-minded, we could learn to accept nothing and be tolerant of it, but until that day comes writers are going to be using words.

Fuck words. I can tell you something about them. Words say things, only sometimes they mean something different. For example, we say “I took a shit many times in my life.” This is false. We did not take it and we can prove it because our hands are clean. If we took a shit, our hands would be dirty, unless we wore gloves or protected them in another manner. To protect your hands, you need to make sure they are not naked. If you do nothing, your hands are naked 24 hours a day. That’s obvious!

We should say, “I left a shit many times in my life.” Another way of saying it is this: “I dropped shit many times in my life.” There are many alternatives. Here’s another: “I gave shit many times in my life.” You have many choices. Pick one.

In closing, this essay demonstrates that the writer used words mostly because he had no choice. This is the tyranny of life. The writer can’t simply leave the words alone and be accepted by our society. He has to use them or else nothing happens. We hate nothing. All of the time, we are expecting something. It’s unfair, in my opinion.