I’m seriously thinking of hanging this on my office door at the community college:
Frequently Asked Office Hour Questions:
1.) Is there anything I can do to pass this class?
Yes. You can meet the requirements and demonstrate that you’ve gained the necessary skills.
2.) Can I do any extra credit?
I have no idea. All I can tell you is that people who are passing the class never ask this question.
3.) Can you help me? I will lose my financial aid if I fail this class.
I can, yes. You should follow the syllabus, meet the requirements and demonstrate that you’ve gained the necessary skill. Then you’ll pass and get to keep your financial aid.
4.) Is there any way I can make up work I missed?
You’ve been making things up for years. Everything you’ve handed in to me has been a work of outside art.
5.) I don’t have time to do the homework. What should I do?
*confused professor staring into dead space and foaming at the mouth*
6.) Why don’t you teach your class the way everyone else does?
I base all my lessons on Tom Waits songs.
7.) Can I go back and fix all my mistakes?
All of them? Sure.
8.) I don’t like reading books. What should I do?
9.) Can you make a special test for me?
All the tests I write are special.
10.) Am I going to need this when I graduate?
No one has ever needed this. On occasion, I meet people who want it.